How have you experienced an intersection between spirituality and sexuality in your life? What is your understanding of what faithful sexuality looks like? How do Quaker beliefs apply to our sexual identities and practices?

Spirituality and Sexuality is the theme for our blog series this fall on Quakeryouth.org. We hope that many of you will blog or post your comments.  This is also an opportunity to talk about your meeting/church/spiritual community's understanding of what faithful sexuality looks like. Do you talk about it? Is it a source of conflict? If you are interested in contributing to the series, please email Emily at emilys@fgcquaker.org

An Introduction For its first three centuries, the Religious Society of Friends was straightforwardly aligned with broader Christian orthodoxy on sexual ethics questions. There were clear collective standards, and Friends could be (and were, in large numbers) disciplined for sexual offences like adultery and fornication...Read More

Becka Haines Rosenberg

Sexuality is a journey, just like spirituality is. We grow into it, the way we grow into the experience of waiting worship. It can be uncomfortable, even painful, but it can also be transformative.  I’ve been told that we should expect to be transformed every time we walk into meeting for worship, even though there are some days when it feels like no one’s talking to us at all, let alone God.  I think we have to approach our sexual experiences the same way.  Because sex is never simply biological.  We learn things through sex: sex by ourselves, sex with other people, sex we only have in our heads.  All of that is opportunity for transformation and growth, for insight into what makes us tick as human beings. It’s when we shut ourselves off to that opportunity, when we minimize it and say, “It’s just sex,” that we get into trouble.  We’ve been given bodies and minds to learn in, and discounting any part of that makes us less able to do the work God calls us to.

I can’t make choices about anyone else’s sexual expression for them, and no one else can make those choices for me.  But part of what living in spiritual community means is that I am surrounded by people who help me find my path.  When we speak with integrity about our own sexuality, we can’t even know who we’re reaching with our words.  I remember things people said at FGC Gathering ten years ago that helped me get where I needed to be then; I don’t remember their names, but I feel the influence they’ve had on how I live my life.  

I’m so grateful for the breadth of experience among Friends, for the wealth of perspectives on sexuality and spirituality I heard growing up.  I’m glad that there were Friends in my life called to a path of celibacy when I started to wonder what I was waiting for; that there were Friends in my life modeling Quaker marriage when I was overwhelmed by the idea of a lifelong partnership; and that there were Friends in my life sharing about other romantic and sexual relationships, long- and short-term, when I was trying to find how I fit in.  I still have plenty to learn.  Luckily, I still have plenty of people to learn from.  And maybe my own sharing will be what somebody else needs to hear one day.

Becka Haines Rosenberg is a member of Alexandria Monthly Meeting (Baltimore Yearly Meeting). She serves on the BYM's Youth Programs Committee and FGC's Advancement and Outreach Committee. She is happily unmarried and happily dating a wonderful woman named Lucy.

Kathleen Karhnak

When I learned about sexuality in religious ed during my teenage years, my teacher said, “Sexuality is a gift from God.” As a teenager, that concept was way too abstract for me. I just didn’t get it. In the ensuing years, I have come to a much richer, and still maturing, understanding of that phrase. As I consider the intersection of spirituality and sexuality – and as I consider the conspicuous absence of sexuality education from most Quaker First Day School programs – I find myself drawn back to that same message: Sexuality is a gift from God. What can we learn from that message and how can we share it among Quakers?

In what ways is sexuality a gift? For one, it’s fun! God could have given us any of a number of ways to procreate. There are animals for which sexual activity is perfunctory, or for which sexual activity is painful for at least one of the participants, usually the female. God didn't give us either of those options. Instead, God gave us sexuality that we can enjoy, and all of us have the capacity to enjoy it if we define sexuality broadly enough, and are kind and patient enough with ourselves and others. We can recall that joy is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit, and when the fruits of the Holy Spirit are present, that usually indicates we have been faithful in using our gifts. In other words, to misquote a saying which is often attributed to Ben Franklin (probably inaccurately), “Human sexuality is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

I seek to remain teachable. My ideas about sexuality have expanded as I have grown older and more secure in myself and my relationship with my wife, Carrie, and perhaps most significantly, as I’ve learned to take myself less seriously...

Micah Bales

"Sexuality" is a complicated word. For some, it might primarily be related to sexual acts. For others, it might refer to understandings of heterosexuality and homosexuality. Many understand sexuality as being linked with gender identity. Sexuality is such a complicated word because it is all of these things, and more. Sexuality, as I understand it, is shorthand for the way in which God created us to relate to other human beings on an intimate level. Sexuality does not necessarily involve having sex, but it always involves intimacy and vulnerability to another.

Sexuality is one of the most powerful forces in human existence, for good and for ill. People frequently have their lives made miserable by abuse of their sexuality - through jealousy and betrayal, exploitation and callousness. But our sexuality, when treated as a holy and precious part of our lives, is also one of the most important ways that humanity relates to God. Our nature as sexual beings has the potential to disrupt our relationship with God, or to bring us more completely into Communion...

This piece from Friends' Journal explores some of the need for dialogue in Quaker communities around spirituality and sexuality.  Our three featured blog posts will look at these issues from a more personal perspective.

(Joanna Hoyt, a member of Portland (Maine) Meeting, has worked and worshiped for the last eight years at St. Francis Farm, a community in upstate New York that practices an alternative to the consumer culture through prayer, sustainable agriculture/forestry, and presence and assistance to neighbors. These are excerpts from an article that appeared in the June 2009 special issue of FRIENDS JOURNAL on Marriage, Gender, and Relationships. ©2009 Friends Publishing Corporation. Reproduced with permission. www.friendsjournal.org)

As I understand it, the central Quaker commitment is to listen to the Spirit’s promptings and act faithfully in accordance with them, however difficult or unpopular they may be. This shared commitment allows people with different beliefs, gifts, and wounds to support one another, hold one another accountable, and find true unity. I have seen Friends unite in this way across differences of class, theology, politics, and vocation. This unity is more than mutual tolerance or even respect; it challenges, deepens, and transforms all who take part in it. I believe that we need this kind of healing and transformation as we struggle with our different understandings of sexuality and spirituality. . . .

Quakers from the U.S and Canada came together in March 2009 for the conference Weaving Sacred Wholeness: Exploring our Diversity as Friends. It was such a powerful experience to be on the grounds of the Penn Center worshiping, singing, playing and listening to Friends of all ages tell their stories of struggle and celebration within their Quaker communities.

Although there may always be times when Friends intentionally or unintentionally hurt or offend one another, it is in how we respond in these instances that we have an opportunity to truly be vessels for God’s love. If we commit to holding each other accountable for our actions, being witnesses, advocates, listeners, and confronting one another in loving ways, then we move a little closer to weaving sacred, whole communities that support and nurture the diversity among us.

~Emily Stewart