Kathleen Karhnak

When I learned about sexuality in religious ed during my teenage years, my teacher said, “Sexuality is a gift from God.” As a teenager, that concept was way too abstract for me. I just didn’t get it. In the ensuing years, I have come to a much richer, and still maturing, understanding of that phrase. As I consider the intersection of spirituality and sexuality – and as I consider the conspicuous absence of sexuality education from most Quaker First Day School programs – I find myself drawn back to that same message: Sexuality is a gift from God. What can we learn from that message and how can we share it among Quakers?

In what ways is sexuality a gift? For one, it’s fun! God could have given us any of a number of ways to procreate. There are animals for which sexual activity is perfunctory, or for which sexual activity is painful for at least one of the participants, usually the female. God didn't give us either of those options. Instead, God gave us sexuality that we can enjoy, and all of us have the capacity to enjoy it if we define sexuality broadly enough, and are kind and patient enough with ourselves and others. We can recall that joy is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit, and when the fruits of the Holy Spirit are present, that usually indicates we have been faithful in using our gifts. In other words, to misquote a saying which is often attributed to Ben Franklin (probably inaccurately), “Human sexuality is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

I seek to remain teachable. My ideas about sexuality have expanded as I have grown older and more secure in myself and my relationship with my wife, Carrie, and perhaps most significantly, as I’ve learned to take myself less seriously... The pleasure of intimacy serves a truly sacred purpose -- it strengthens the emotional and spiritual bond between us. It unites us in a way we do not unite with anyone else. Sexual intimacy that's fun is important -- reveling in our own bodies and our partners' bodies keeps us connected to each other and ourselves. It reminds us that we are spiritual beings, but definitely anchored in a physical body.

Another aspect of something being a God-given gift is that we have a responsibility to use it. The parable of the talents is commonly interpreted as meaning that God expects us to use our gifts fully, not hide them or be stingy with them. When we are engaging in sexual intimacy, either alone or with others, we are given a glimpse of our truest selves. When we are fully honest about our sexuality we often receive insights that are akin to dreaming. A Franciscan priest once told me that emotions are neither good nor bad; they are information about who we are in that moment. Likewise, healthy sexual expression is neither good nor bad, but gives us information about who we are in that moment. By giving full expression to my sexuality and enabling my partner to do the same, I am being faithful in using God’s gift of sexuality.

There are aspects of our sexuality about which we as Quakers have community expectations and standards – ways we hold each other accountable for using our God-given gifts responsibly. I can't, however, tell you where the boundary is between acceptable and unacceptable. It's very similar to how I can point to each of the seven colors we name in the rainbow, but I can't point to the exact spot where blue ends and green begins. And sometimes, I admit, I can't really find the indigo. Don’t mistake it – the boundary is there. But we can’t have a mature relationship with our sexuality if we seek a definable set of expectations, a rule book.

If we can't articulate where the boundaries are, how do we avoid crossing them? We stay in tune with God, with ourselves as individuals, and with our partners. We identify elders, mentors, peers and loved ones with whom we can talk through the things that confuse us. We read what others have to say and take that in without letting it take over us. We use that ever-present Quaker gift: waiting. If something doesn't seem right, if we have a stop in our mind, we wait. We seek clearness. We let the Light search us and fully expose us so that we can tell what the root is of our actions or desired actions.

Much as when each person discerns whether a message in Meeting is one to be shared aloud, sexuality is a part of our lives where our actions affect others in our community, and where we don't have a hard-and-fast rule about what falls into the "yes" column and what falls into the "no" column. And just as with vocal ministry, when it comes to sexuality the guidance we receive might be, “Yes, but not now.”

So what am I going to tell my children when they start asking about becoming sexually active? It will be a long time off (my kids are 9 months old and 4 years old), but I think I'll tell them that it's a discernment process, that with every step along the path of sexual intimacy they should wait until they are really ready, and that they need to be able to talk with the other person they are involved with. I remember my mom telling me when I was a teenager, "If you're not mature enough to talk about it, then you're not mature enough to do it." It’s an adage that obviously stuck. Not only would it feel dishonest of me and artificial to tell my children to wait until they cross some particular hurdle to have sex, but what would that mean, anyway? What is “having sex”? Like those rainbow colors, I think defining “having sex” is too much of a discernment process to be able to decide with a series of yes/no questions.

I find it strange that we’re not having conversations about sexuality as a gift from God and what that means in our lives as part of the explicit religious education curriculum in our Meetings. This exclusion, at least in my Yearly Meeting, seems to be imbedded deeply: Philadelphia Yearly Meeting’s Faith and Practice, while providing an inclusive and respectful section entitled “Sex and Sexuality,” addresses its section called “Sex Education” almost exclusively toward parents instructing their own children in sex education with no mention of the role that Monthly Meetings can (or should) play.

Introducing sexuality education as an integral part of our Quaker meetings could give our communities confidence and trust that these discussions are happening in a setting where the instruction is factually accurate, the program is respectful of all of us as sexual beings, and the leaders are well-prepared and worthy of the trust we are giving them by allowing them to take such a leadership role. Of course, all that requires some real work on our part to ensure we are providing a program worthy of that trust.

I have begun exploring how to bring sexuality education into our Quaker community and have found other Friends who seemed to have parallel leadings. Right now, I’m looking into a particular set of religious education curricula that seem to be particularly consonant with my understanding of sexuality and, I think, a good fit for the Quakers in my region. I hope that this leading catches fire. For now, I’m doing some research, testing the waters and praying to stay faithful.


Kathleen Karhnak is a member of Central Philadelphia Monthly Meeting in Philadelphia, PA, where she lives with her wife, Carrie Glasby, their two children, and a housemate.

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